The weight is a gift.
Sometimes you catch yourself in a place you never expected to be. Things are good, the bills are paid, your relationships are peaceful, your life is full… but for some reason your heart is troubled. It’s a strange thing that happens when you have the luxury of not fighting for survival, but instead actually have the choice and freedom to pursue what’s in your heart.
For a long time I was reluctant to tailor my art to fit the needs of the world. I fought it. If it looked or sounded like something I had already seen and heard, it was considered “boring” to me and brushed aside. I thought this was because I was “an arteeest”. I wanted to be truly revolutionary and create something so different and groundbreaking that no one could deny it was authentic. Years later I realized it was not my commitment to art that was driving my choices, but instead some serious fears about actually being heard. This is because when you are heard - you are subjected to criticism. When you are truthful - you allow your true self to be judged by the world. When you dream - you choose to recognize the intangible as something fragile and real that can be dashed to pieces. Nothing is gained without risking loss, and even success brings challenges.
My biggest fear in life is wasting what I have been given. Not being ready for the big opportunities and squandering away the small moments and everyday steps it takes to move toward a goal. A goal that is forever moving and changing.
As I ponder the new year, these are the questions I ask myself. As I start working on my new record I find myself struggling with how to choose what to focus on.
Do I continue to do what I know “works”? Do I analyze the ways I have been the most successful and make a plan to follow that same path? Do I only work on what is exciting to me? Do I look to others to tell me what I should be focusing on? What is the smart decision? What is the right decision? Why am I making the decisions I am making? Why did I choose this road? Is it my destiny or my pride pushing me forward?
So many questions and so many possible answers. It’s weird how hard it is to know the motives of our very own hearts. I know I want to make music that touches people. I want to connect with the messages others find hard to express. I want to challenge, encourage, and inspire.
I hope 2013 is the year “it” happens. Whatever “it” may be. I hope you work hard, believe in yourself, question your motives, and can be brave enough to dream. I promise to dig deeper, open my heart wider, and do my best to always move forward.
Much love,
Jess
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